I'm Not Mad... Yet

I do not know where to begin with this post, but I know I need to clear my head. Everything seems to be getting busy this week and it's rather tiring. The dance show is a mess and the only part of it that looks decent is the Tea Party (woohoo!) apparently.

Today was a weird day in general. There was a big accident on the PIE, my friend's bus got rear-ended, my dad brought home a heartbreaking story about a family separated thanks to deporting a woman for a non-contagious disease.

I'm exhausted. Senior year is a drain, and aspects of it make me want to cry. High school has not been the worst experience ever (that crown forever goes to Middle School), but there are aspects of it that destroy my faith in humanity every day. The amount I hear about who is dating who, who is wearing what, and who did this or that over the weekend makes me want to pull my hair out. Sometime I feel like a Vulcan surrounded by annoying humans. Live long and prosper...  At least I'm going to Turkey in February, otherwise I don't think I'd have motivation to do much of anything but daydream.

I don't know if I've ever discussed my personality type on here, but I'm an INTP. Apparently it's fairly uncommon for women to be INTP, and it's the direct opposite of the ideal woman (according to some articles on the internet). I'm not sure if this bothers me or not, but I have noticed recently that I think differently than other students around me. The level of emotion, morality and compassion other people use in their arguments flabbergast me on a routine basis. Is there no logic in this world anymore? Does it really matter how organised and cutesy your notes are as long as you learn something from them? Also, what is with small talk. You blab about useless things that you are forgetting as soon as you hear. Can't people talk about more useful things than the weather, if the classroom is cold or not, etc?
ARG!

At the end of the year, I'm not going to be looking back at high school wishing I was still here. I'm ready to move on and talk to people who can think outside the box (that's not just high school, it seems like everyone here has no sense of creativity).

Rocking the Apathy

I was the cheerleader who quit before the Thanksgiving Day game. I am the girl who probably would forget the school mascot if you didn't tell me it constantly. I don't care what our sports teams do. I don't know who this popular blonde girl is that you've been telling me about for the past ten minutes. I'm not one to dress up in a revealing group costume on Halloween and then wonder why guys stare at my chest rather than my face.

I'm going to graduate at the end of this year in a class of strangers, and a large part of my doesn't care. Even though I could say, "oh, if I had put in more effort, I could have gotten to know more people". And I have, to an extent. But in all honesty the culture of my school is fundamentally clique based. Everyone has their own group of friends, and breaking into a new group is a real accomplishment. I don't know if race matters, but like everything else in Singapore I'm sure it does to a degree. Maybe it's easier if you're white, I wouldn't know. I'm sure it's easier if you like talking about clothes and hookups and what happened last weekend.

If I had stayed in the USA, I would have graduated with kids I grew up with. I would have cared where they wanted to go to college, enjoyed gossip about the latest engagement or whatever else happens in small towns. Though I would still have not really cared about school spirit, I would have wanted to make the school a better place. I would have wanted to leave that small town, but go back during the holidays.

I guess it's weird to be seventeen and in a relationship that has lasted more than a couple of months.  You hear of couples that last years of course, but it seems like the majority fizzle out quite quickly. I hear girls talk about this guy or that guy, and I don't get it. Why would you hook up with random people when you could find someone who actually cares about you?

Of course it's not easy, but for heaven's sake I'm a nerd and I managed to do it! If pretty is as pretty does, then trashy is as trashy does. If you make yourself easy and consider yourself and your body worthless.... of course you're going to be upset with yourself and others will look down on you. It's really not that complicated. Before someone tries to fuss about "slut shaming", that's not what I'm doing here.  Now, if you value yourself as an easy hookup, how can you expect anyone else to view you better than that?